its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
