WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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