Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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