When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
