I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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