the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think your dad took our porno
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
