Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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