happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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