And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
