I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
