I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
