Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
