you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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