Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
