Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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