6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
