This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
