I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
