Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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