And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
