You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
