Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
