just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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