In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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