I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
