he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
