i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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