I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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