and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's shark week go big or go home
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
