The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
did i just pee glitter
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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