everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
