Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
