So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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