Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
