dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
