I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My breasts were aching with rage.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
