apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
