I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
