Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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