You really coming over, don't trick.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
