my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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