It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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