he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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