just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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