It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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