Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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