That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
