I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I want you more than these girls want KFC
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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