Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
