I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
