Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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